Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm not sure what is more scary these days, checking my temperature or checking my weight.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm still trying to figure out how "wash your hands often" translates into "buy all the toilet paper you can find."
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I would've never imaged going into a bank wearing a mask and asking the teller for money.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If I'm constantly bothering you, it means you're an important person.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

We all just kind of accept it as normal that we have a meat tentacle living inside of our mouth.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Ironically jogging pants are mostly worn by the laziest people.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

When the teacher said "Don't forget to bring clothes for Gym," I thought "Who is Jim and why doesn't he bring his own clothes?"
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I have everything you could possibly ever need in my purse... except for money.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

The only exercise I've done this month is running... out of money!
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

They say money doesn't solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

That moment you're thankful for Coronavirus social distancing rules because you just ate some garlic.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I end all my sentences with "Just saying.."
because ending them with "You bonehead.."
would probably be considered offensive.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I'm
done with work.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I survived the great toilet paper scare of 2020.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.
-Bill McGlashen