My Compilation of Jokes,
Hit thanks/like for more! Marami pa ko niyan... hehe have fun!
Ika nga nila "Laughter is the best medicine"
(~^,
Si Juan ay bumisita sa isang mental hospital at siya'y nag-usisa para sa kanyang school assignment.
Juan: Papaano nyo po ba nalalaman kung talagang me sayad ang pasyenteng dinadala sa dito?
Doktor: Ganito yun. Pinupuno namin ng tubig ang isang bath tub. Tapos, iaabot namin sa pasyente ang kutsara, tasa at balde at uutusan namin siyang limasin o tanggalin nya ang tubig sa bathtub. Titingnan namin ngayon kung ano ang gagamitin niya sa tatlo.
Juan: Magaling, siguradong pipiliin ng normal na tao ang balde para mabilis na maubos ang tubig!
Doktor: Mali! Kapag normal ang isang tao, tatanggalin lang niya ang plug (yung tapon na nakabara sa butas) ng bathtub!
1--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!
SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K-10, hindi na sila aso
PO 1: Ano na sila sir?
SUPT: maliit na pusa...
2--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PACQUIAO: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
JINKY: Lambing mo talaga dear. Nasaan yung sweets?
PACQUIAO: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Di ako makakita...ang dilim!
3--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very SAD story:
A guy visits his dying Chinese girl friend at d hospital. D Chinese girl said "Hong Pi Chik" den she died.
D guy went all d way to China to find d meaning of his friend's last w0rd. And he was sh0ck 2 kn0w d real meaning.
"WAG MONG TAPAKAN ANG OXYGEN"
4--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ambitious NURSE INTERN in a tertiary hospitaldialled canteenand shouted: " get me a cup of coffee quickly!!!"
The voice from the other line said" "You fool!!!youve dialledthe wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?im the Chief nurse of this hospital, you idiot!!"
The intern shouted back " and you know whoare talking to you bitch?"
Chief Nurse: No!
Intern: Thank God!(hung up)
5--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 ***** nagsisiksikan sa maliit na **kama**:*
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa láρág nalang matulog. (Bumaba si ***** 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!
6--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dodong,Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...Nagmamahal - Nanay
7--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waitress: How do you want your EGGS done, Sirs?
American: I want my eggs fried.
Japanese: I want it boiled.
Pinoy: Ala eh! Sa kin, hawakan mo na lang, másáráp na yaan!
8--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tamang translation ng mga kanta
Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know! - Huwag Mo Kong Gawing *****!
You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, *****!
Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan
Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga
Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit
Hurt So Good - Array, ang Sarrap!
Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso
I Left My Heart In San Francisco - Walang akong Puso ngayon
King And Queen Of Hearts - Tong-itan at pusuyan!
Pretty Woman - AKO yun o kaya'y di ikaw yun!
Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas! Barabas!
Power Of Love - Buntis
How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim ang sa iyo
Three Times A Lady - Super Bakla
More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)
Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon
9--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: What is the formula for water?ERAP: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,OTEACHER: That’s not what I taught you.ERAP: But you said the formula for water was…H to O
10--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHEN I DIE..
I DON'T WANT "R.I.P." INITIALS ON MY TOMBSTONE.
ANG GUSTO KO,
"I.S.R."
"I SHALL RETURN".. haha
11--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:
magpapa-class picture tayo para paglaki nyo, sasabihin nyo:
"wow si dodong police na,
wow si inday teacher na,
wow si tomas doctor na,
JUAN: wow si mam!
PATAY NA..
TEACHER: umupo ka.. wag kang sasali!
12--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ang Alamat ng WAKA-WAKA.
Noong unang panahon,sina Pedro at Juan ay gumagawa ng homework sa Geography. Nainis si Pedro kasi hindi makita ni Juan ang Africa sa mapa.
P: (kinukuha ang mapa) Amin na, mina.
J: Eh eh, wag ka wag ka, eh eh.
P: Amin na, mina.Sa kalewa.
J: Alam na, Ah ah.
P: Amin na, mina.
J: Eh eh. Wag ka, wag ka. Eh eh.
P: Amin na, mina, sa kalewa. coz this is africa.
13--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B0y: mis.. Tanim kaba?
Girl: k0rny m0h..cge nga bakit?
B0y: pa.a m0 puro ugat..
14--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TATAY: mula ngayon walang magsasalita ng ingles.. ang sinumang magpa dugo
ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo, palalayasin sa pamamahay na to ! klaro ba ?
ANAK: ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok
ng aking balintataw,
sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran..
tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian,
bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban..
TATAY: (tulala) ,mas dumugo il0ng..hahaha
15--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
gwapo ngtxt: labs, paload nman P100.
bakla: ok!
(ngmmadling mghanap ng loading area)
bakla: narceive mo na labs?
gwapo: HU U?
16 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White guy: dude! Pwde kta tatawagin pre?
Black guy: bkit?
White guy: shortcut ng kapre eh... Haha
17--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juan:bkt my tali k s paa?
Pdr0:gs2 q ng m2tay,mgb2gti aq!
Juan:bkt s paa? dpt s leeg!
Pdr0:cnubukan q n s leEg knina.
hnd aq mkahinga eh,. lul
18--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i rili pik out d
BEST messge 2
send u..
Dis one cums
fr0m my heart...
T A K E
BALANG ka.. hahahaha
19--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
N0EL: ippangalan
ko s aking anak
"LE0N" baliktad ng N0EL.
NIN0: skin "0NIN"
baliktad ng NINO.
NITU: wg ny0
ak0ng maisali-sali jan s usapan ny0! HAHAHA
20--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
boy: miss pwede mag ask? anong oras na?
girl: hmmm tanong tanong ka anung oras.
tapos tatanungin mo anong name ko.
tapos hihingin mo cell number ko.
tapos txtm8 tau.
tapos liligawan mo ako.
tapos magdedate tau.
tapos dadalhin mo ako sa malalamig na lugar.
tapos may mangyayari sa atin
tapos mabubuntis ako.
tapos pakasal tau.
tapos bubugbugin mo lng ako.
hmmm.. ayoko ko ngang sbihin kung anung oras na!
boy: woooh! ang advance naman ng relo mo miss.!
21-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sa sobrang kalasingan ni Juan,siya ay napaihi sa daan.Habang umiihi sa gilid,kinagat
ng Sawa ang kanyang bird.Napasigaw siya.
Juan : Araay!!Pedro!!!Tumawag ka sa Doktor!kinagat ng sawa ung bird ko!
Pedro : (Tumawag kay doc.) Hello Doc!Tinuklaw ho ng ahas yung kaibigan ko.
Ano hong gagawin ko?!
Doc : Sipsipin mo ung part na kinagat para mahigup mo ung lason.
Juan : Ano sabi ng Doktor?!
Pedro : Wala ka nang pag-asa!Mamamatay ka na!!!!!!!!!!
22-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 girls ng aply ng work.1 mtalino, 1 ****
MATALINO: buti kpa natanggap. Ano ba ang gnawa mo?
****: wala. Nung ngfil up me ng form, nilagay ko sa ***: SURE
23-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...pamilya kumakain ng noodles:
Anak: dad... buntis po...(mom and dad napatingin)
Anak : buntis po ako... hindi ako makakagraduate... mahirap po ba magbuntis?
Mom: mahirap maging ina, lalo na sa isang ambisosyang
bading na kagaya mo!! kumain ka na baka ingudngod ko nguso mo sa noodles na yan!!
24-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SIR:juan how do you face ur problems???
answer me in english...
JUAN: sir i did not ****s it sir..!
SIR: lintik na bata ka anong I DID NOT ****S IT kailan
kapa natutung mang bastos???
JUAN:sir i said HINDI KO DINIDIBDIB.!
25-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want *** or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving awa y
to West ******ia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.
A fter all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
26-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sa bahay may nakasulat na “ice for sale”
bata: pabili!!
yaya: ano bibilin mo?
bata: kendi nga po.
yaya: wala
bata: coke
yaya: wala!!
bata: juice
yaya: wala nga! kita mong ice for sale ung nakasulat
malamang ice lang tinitinda namin!! ***** mo talaga!!
bata: ikaw nga ung mas ***** kita mong ice lang tinitinda nyo
nagtatanong ka pa kung ano bibilhin ko *****!!
27-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nescafe DECAF (commercial joke)
nanay: anak bawal makipagsex! bata kpa! bkA maBuntis ka..
anak: bwaL, bwaL ka jan e so wat kong bata pa ako, makikipagsex ako kung gusTo ko no?
may ****** nMan kya, so hindi pRen ako mabubuntis! másáráp kaya! TRY MO!
28-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bata: Ate kpag wala ka bang tenga, maghihikaw ka?
Ate: Syempre hindi!
Bata: eh pag wala kang daliri magsisingsing ka?
Ate: Syempre hindi din!
Bata: Eh bakit ka nagbrabra?? Feel mo lang?? ganon?!
Ate: F**k you!...
hahaha lolz
29-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SA CLASSROOM:
PUPIL: Ma'am ambaho po dito may umutot!!
TEACHER: Ok class kung sino ang umutot aminin na,
bibigyan ko ng 99 highest grade!!
PEDRO
paika-ika lumakad palapit sa teacher)
ma'am gawin nyo nang 100 kasi NATAE NA AKO!!!!
30-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMA: Hoy Brando! Huwag kang babakla-bakla ha!
ANAK: Di po itay. Punta nga ako sa basketball court ngayon.
AMA: Yan, astig!
ANAK: Mama, nakita mo pompoms ko?
31-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw sinubkan ni mang kanor ang kalabaw kung ganu sya kabilis tumakbo...
habang pauwi sya sakay s knyang kalabaw..naglaro s isip nya kung kung ganu kabalis tumakbo ang kanyang kalabaw...
sumakay ng jeep c mang kanor...nksakay n ng jeep c mang kanor..
Driver: mama bkit nyo iniwan kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: susubukan ko lng kung ganu sya kabilis..cge primera mo
(pasok s primera ang kambyo ng driver uamarangkada ng takbo)
Driver: mama sumusunod kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: cge sigunda mo
(pasok s sigunda ang kambyo ng driver)
Driver: (Taka) mama mabilis n sumusonud kalabaw nyo
Manag kanor: Cge tersera mo
(pasok s tersera ang driver)
Driver: mas bumilis n sumusunod kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: ( Gulat) cge kwarta mo
(pasok s kwarta ang driver)
Driver: mama pagod n kalabaw nyo lawit n ang dila
Mang kanor: San banda nkalwit dila nya kanan o kaliwa
Driver: kaliwa po
Mang Kanor: *****.....!!!!! quinta mo n oovertake n yan nkasignal n sya ng kaliwa...
32-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TANONG: bakit dahan dahang binubuksan ni Juan ang medicine cabinet?
SAGOT: baka kc magising ag mga sleeping *****
33-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sinoli ni Pacquiao ang libro sa library. Manny: Sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: Kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
34-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EUGENE: Pare, walanghiya 'yung mga kondoktor sa bus!
REGGIE: Bakit?
EUGENE: Ayaw akong papasukin sa bus! 'Yung iba, ang daming ibinebenta...
mani, kasoy, puto, balot, itlog ng pugo, pinipig,
chicharon, espasol, puwedeng pumasok!
REGGIE: Ano ba ang ibinebenta mo?
EUGENE: Papag.
35-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JUNIOR: Tatay, andaming lamok!
TATAY: Patayin mo ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
JUNIOR: Tatay, bumalik sila! May dalang flashlight!
36-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid.
Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!
37-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Linggo ng inutusan ng ama si johnny na bumili ng baboy sa palengke pero may problema.
Ama: itong pera pumunta ka sa palengke, bumili ka ng baboy 2 kelo!
Johnny: tay, hindi ko po alam kung ano at saan ang palengke!
Ama: ay itong batang to ang *****-*****, palengke lang hindi pa alam, pag may makita kang lugar na may
maraming tao, iyon na iyon!
Johnny: ok, punta na ako!
habang naglalakad, nakita ni johnny ang isang lugar na puno ng tao at pumasok siya, hindi niya alam na simbahan iyon, pumila siya sa mahabang pila at pagdating sa dulo.
Pari: Katawang ni KRISTO!
Johnny: 2 KELO!
38-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : imagine ur a millionaire. write ur lyf history..
(1 boy didn't write)
TEACHER : y r u not writing?
BOY : i'm waiting for my secretary
39-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahente kumatok at matapos pagbuksan ng may-ari ng bahay
ay biglang kinalat ang tae ng kabayo sa sahig sabay sabing:
KAKAININ KO ITO KAPAG HINDI ITO MALINISAN NG AKING
TINITINDANG VACUUM CLEANER SA LOOB NG ISANG MINUTO!
May-ari ng Bahay: KAINININ MO YAN LECHE KA! BROWN-OUT NGAYON!
40-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANAK: Itay, ano po sa English ang utot?
ITAY: Wind of Change.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na walang tunog?
ITAY: The Sound of Silence.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na may kasamang ebak?
ITAY: Dust in the Wind.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung hindi sinasadyang utot?
ITAY: Careless Whisper.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na naipit?
ITAY: Please, Release Me!
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na sobrang bantot at nakakahilo?
ITAY: Killing Me Softly!
41-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At last, bye Philippines na tlaga! Im flying off this 3rd week of May Going to Paris. It ws a great surprise! Akala k madedeny ang mga papers ko. Sorry if I didnt tell you earlier. I promised kasi not to tell anyone, unlesss its confirmed. Thanks for all the memories. I will miss all of you!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
-SULAT na NAPULOT KO sa Daan. Grabe Kakainggit no?
42-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anak : Nay! másáráp pla ang dila?
Nanay : Bkit? Natikman mo na?
Anak : Di pa po, pero sbe sa kanta ng Kanto boys..
~
" DILAng másáráp, mali-Nam-nam-nam-nam-nam! " =))
43------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sa Ospital)
doc: nurse,nsan na ung sunud na pasyente?
nurse: pinauwi ko na po doc..
doc: oh bakit?
nurse: eh msama dw po pkiramdam eh.
44------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sa Max's restaurant...
Waiter: Ano po order nila, ma'am, sir?
Amo: Whole roasted chicken meal na lang. Ikaw Inday, ano order mo?
Inday: I would like to partake of a dish sauteed pork and chicken boiled in thick essence of soy sauce & veggies, like carrots, cauliflower, and baguio beans. Sprinkled generously with fine spices and spring onion, generously helping of rootcrop and rice!
Amo: Bigyan mo raw ng chopseuy 'tong abnormal na 'to! Bechinan mo ng marami nang mamatay na!
45------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Mahal na mahal kita. Handa akong ibuwis ang lahat ng meron ako para sayo. :">
.
.
.
.
.
.
Girl: SAMPLE! SAMPLE! SAMPLE! SAMPLE!
46------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: kaya kitang pasabihin ng I love you
Girl: Imposible
Boy: sabihin mo “blue”
Girl: blue
Boy: sabihin mo”love”
Girl: love
Boy: Sabihin mo “21”
Girl: 21
Boy: sabi ko sayo eh, mapapasabi kita ng 16, hehe
Girl: kala ko ba” I love you”?
Boy: I love you too!
47------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CRUSH!
.
.
.
.
.
.
yan ang taong
madaling TITIGAN
pero..
mahirap
LAPITAN!
48------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw umakyat ng bundok si BF kasama si GF...
BF: shit! mahuhulog na ko! tulungan mo ko!
...
(hinawakan ng GF ang kamay)
.........
GF: If you love someone, you should let him go..
BF: taaaannnnngggiiinnnaaaaaa mooooooo!!!
49------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatay: Bakit bagsak grades mo?
Anak: How can I pass if my teacher
hates me? ...Para lang yang LOVE,
kahit gaano ka kaseryoso, if
...ayaw sa iyo,
hindi ka papasa.
Tatay: Naks naman! Nagdrama
ang shunga! ****! mag-aral ka dyan ! may pa-love love pa nalalaman
50------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hit thanks/like for more! Marami pa ko niyan... hehe have fun!
Ika nga nila "Laughter is the best medicine"
(~^,
Si Juan ay bumisita sa isang mental hospital at siya'y nag-usisa para sa kanyang school assignment.
Juan: Papaano nyo po ba nalalaman kung talagang me sayad ang pasyenteng dinadala sa dito?
Doktor: Ganito yun. Pinupuno namin ng tubig ang isang bath tub. Tapos, iaabot namin sa pasyente ang kutsara, tasa at balde at uutusan namin siyang limasin o tanggalin nya ang tubig sa bathtub. Titingnan namin ngayon kung ano ang gagamitin niya sa tatlo.
Juan: Magaling, siguradong pipiliin ng normal na tao ang balde para mabilis na maubos ang tubig!
Doktor: Mali! Kapag normal ang isang tao, tatanggalin lang niya ang plug (yung tapon na nakabara sa butas) ng bathtub!
1--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!
SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K-10, hindi na sila aso
PO 1: Ano na sila sir?
SUPT: maliit na pusa...
2--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PACQUIAO: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
JINKY: Lambing mo talaga dear. Nasaan yung sweets?
PACQUIAO: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Di ako makakita...ang dilim!
3--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very SAD story:
A guy visits his dying Chinese girl friend at d hospital. D Chinese girl said "Hong Pi Chik" den she died.
D guy went all d way to China to find d meaning of his friend's last w0rd. And he was sh0ck 2 kn0w d real meaning.
"WAG MONG TAPAKAN ANG OXYGEN"
4--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ambitious NURSE INTERN in a tertiary hospitaldialled canteenand shouted: " get me a cup of coffee quickly!!!"
The voice from the other line said" "You fool!!!youve dialledthe wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?im the Chief nurse of this hospital, you idiot!!"
The intern shouted back " and you know whoare talking to you bitch?"
Chief Nurse: No!
Intern: Thank God!(hung up)
5--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 ***** nagsisiksikan sa maliit na **kama**:*
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa láρág nalang matulog. (Bumaba si ***** 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!
6--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dodong,Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...Nagmamahal - Nanay
7--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waitress: How do you want your EGGS done, Sirs?
American: I want my eggs fried.
Japanese: I want it boiled.
Pinoy: Ala eh! Sa kin, hawakan mo na lang, másáráp na yaan!
8--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tamang translation ng mga kanta
Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know! - Huwag Mo Kong Gawing *****!
You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, *****!
Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan
Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga
Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit
Hurt So Good - Array, ang Sarrap!
Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso
I Left My Heart In San Francisco - Walang akong Puso ngayon
King And Queen Of Hearts - Tong-itan at pusuyan!
Pretty Woman - AKO yun o kaya'y di ikaw yun!
Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas! Barabas!
Power Of Love - Buntis
How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim ang sa iyo
Three Times A Lady - Super Bakla
More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)
Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon
9--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: What is the formula for water?ERAP: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,OTEACHER: That’s not what I taught you.ERAP: But you said the formula for water was…H to O
10--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHEN I DIE..
I DON'T WANT "R.I.P." INITIALS ON MY TOMBSTONE.
ANG GUSTO KO,
"I.S.R."
"I SHALL RETURN".. haha
11--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:
magpapa-class picture tayo para paglaki nyo, sasabihin nyo:
"wow si dodong police na,
wow si inday teacher na,
wow si tomas doctor na,
JUAN: wow si mam!
PATAY NA..
TEACHER: umupo ka.. wag kang sasali!
12--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ang Alamat ng WAKA-WAKA.
Noong unang panahon,sina Pedro at Juan ay gumagawa ng homework sa Geography. Nainis si Pedro kasi hindi makita ni Juan ang Africa sa mapa.
P: (kinukuha ang mapa) Amin na, mina.
J: Eh eh, wag ka wag ka, eh eh.
P: Amin na, mina.Sa kalewa.
J: Alam na, Ah ah.
P: Amin na, mina.
J: Eh eh. Wag ka, wag ka. Eh eh.
P: Amin na, mina, sa kalewa. coz this is africa.
13--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B0y: mis.. Tanim kaba?
Girl: k0rny m0h..cge nga bakit?
B0y: pa.a m0 puro ugat..
14--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TATAY: mula ngayon walang magsasalita ng ingles.. ang sinumang magpa dugo
ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo, palalayasin sa pamamahay na to ! klaro ba ?
ANAK: ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok
ng aking balintataw,
sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran..
tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian,
bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban..
TATAY: (tulala) ,mas dumugo il0ng..hahaha
15--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
gwapo ngtxt: labs, paload nman P100.
bakla: ok!
(ngmmadling mghanap ng loading area)
bakla: narceive mo na labs?
gwapo: HU U?
16 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White guy: dude! Pwde kta tatawagin pre?
Black guy: bkit?
White guy: shortcut ng kapre eh... Haha
17--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juan:bkt my tali k s paa?
Pdr0:gs2 q ng m2tay,mgb2gti aq!
Juan:bkt s paa? dpt s leeg!
Pdr0:cnubukan q n s leEg knina.
hnd aq mkahinga eh,. lul
18--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i rili pik out d
BEST messge 2
send u..
Dis one cums
fr0m my heart...
T A K E
BALANG ka.. hahahaha
19--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
N0EL: ippangalan
ko s aking anak
"LE0N" baliktad ng N0EL.
NIN0: skin "0NIN"
baliktad ng NINO.
NITU: wg ny0
ak0ng maisali-sali jan s usapan ny0! HAHAHA
20--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
boy: miss pwede mag ask? anong oras na?
girl: hmmm tanong tanong ka anung oras.
tapos tatanungin mo anong name ko.
tapos hihingin mo cell number ko.
tapos txtm8 tau.
tapos liligawan mo ako.
tapos magdedate tau.
tapos dadalhin mo ako sa malalamig na lugar.
tapos may mangyayari sa atin
tapos mabubuntis ako.
tapos pakasal tau.
tapos bubugbugin mo lng ako.
hmmm.. ayoko ko ngang sbihin kung anung oras na!
boy: woooh! ang advance naman ng relo mo miss.!
21-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sa sobrang kalasingan ni Juan,siya ay napaihi sa daan.Habang umiihi sa gilid,kinagat
ng Sawa ang kanyang bird.Napasigaw siya.
Juan : Araay!!Pedro!!!Tumawag ka sa Doktor!kinagat ng sawa ung bird ko!
Pedro : (Tumawag kay doc.) Hello Doc!Tinuklaw ho ng ahas yung kaibigan ko.
Ano hong gagawin ko?!
Doc : Sipsipin mo ung part na kinagat para mahigup mo ung lason.
Juan : Ano sabi ng Doktor?!
Pedro : Wala ka nang pag-asa!Mamamatay ka na!!!!!!!!!!
22-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 girls ng aply ng work.1 mtalino, 1 ****
MATALINO: buti kpa natanggap. Ano ba ang gnawa mo?
****: wala. Nung ngfil up me ng form, nilagay ko sa ***: SURE
23-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...pamilya kumakain ng noodles:
Anak: dad... buntis po...(mom and dad napatingin)
Anak : buntis po ako... hindi ako makakagraduate... mahirap po ba magbuntis?
Mom: mahirap maging ina, lalo na sa isang ambisosyang
bading na kagaya mo!! kumain ka na baka ingudngod ko nguso mo sa noodles na yan!!
24-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SIR:juan how do you face ur problems???
answer me in english...
JUAN: sir i did not ****s it sir..!
SIR: lintik na bata ka anong I DID NOT ****S IT kailan
kapa natutung mang bastos???
JUAN:sir i said HINDI KO DINIDIBDIB.!
25-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want *** or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving awa y
to West ******ia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.
A fter all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
26-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sa bahay may nakasulat na “ice for sale”
bata: pabili!!
yaya: ano bibilin mo?
bata: kendi nga po.
yaya: wala
bata: coke
yaya: wala!!
bata: juice
yaya: wala nga! kita mong ice for sale ung nakasulat
malamang ice lang tinitinda namin!! ***** mo talaga!!
bata: ikaw nga ung mas ***** kita mong ice lang tinitinda nyo
nagtatanong ka pa kung ano bibilhin ko *****!!
27-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nescafe DECAF (commercial joke)
nanay: anak bawal makipagsex! bata kpa! bkA maBuntis ka..
anak: bwaL, bwaL ka jan e so wat kong bata pa ako, makikipagsex ako kung gusTo ko no?
may ****** nMan kya, so hindi pRen ako mabubuntis! másáráp kaya! TRY MO!
28-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bata: Ate kpag wala ka bang tenga, maghihikaw ka?
Ate: Syempre hindi!
Bata: eh pag wala kang daliri magsisingsing ka?
Ate: Syempre hindi din!
Bata: Eh bakit ka nagbrabra?? Feel mo lang?? ganon?!
Ate: F**k you!...
hahaha lolz
29-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SA CLASSROOM:
PUPIL: Ma'am ambaho po dito may umutot!!
TEACHER: Ok class kung sino ang umutot aminin na,
bibigyan ko ng 99 highest grade!!
PEDRO
paika-ika lumakad palapit sa teacher)ma'am gawin nyo nang 100 kasi NATAE NA AKO!!!!
30-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMA: Hoy Brando! Huwag kang babakla-bakla ha!
ANAK: Di po itay. Punta nga ako sa basketball court ngayon.
AMA: Yan, astig!
ANAK: Mama, nakita mo pompoms ko?
31-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw sinubkan ni mang kanor ang kalabaw kung ganu sya kabilis tumakbo...
habang pauwi sya sakay s knyang kalabaw..naglaro s isip nya kung kung ganu kabalis tumakbo ang kanyang kalabaw...
sumakay ng jeep c mang kanor...nksakay n ng jeep c mang kanor..
Driver: mama bkit nyo iniwan kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: susubukan ko lng kung ganu sya kabilis..cge primera mo
(pasok s primera ang kambyo ng driver uamarangkada ng takbo)
Driver: mama sumusunod kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: cge sigunda mo
(pasok s sigunda ang kambyo ng driver)
Driver: (Taka) mama mabilis n sumusonud kalabaw nyo
Manag kanor: Cge tersera mo
(pasok s tersera ang driver)
Driver: mas bumilis n sumusunod kalabaw nyo
Mang kanor: ( Gulat) cge kwarta mo
(pasok s kwarta ang driver)
Driver: mama pagod n kalabaw nyo lawit n ang dila
Mang kanor: San banda nkalwit dila nya kanan o kaliwa
Driver: kaliwa po
Mang Kanor: *****.....!!!!! quinta mo n oovertake n yan nkasignal n sya ng kaliwa...
32-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TANONG: bakit dahan dahang binubuksan ni Juan ang medicine cabinet?
SAGOT: baka kc magising ag mga sleeping *****
33-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sinoli ni Pacquiao ang libro sa library. Manny: Sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: Kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
34-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EUGENE: Pare, walanghiya 'yung mga kondoktor sa bus!
REGGIE: Bakit?
EUGENE: Ayaw akong papasukin sa bus! 'Yung iba, ang daming ibinebenta...
mani, kasoy, puto, balot, itlog ng pugo, pinipig,
chicharon, espasol, puwedeng pumasok!
REGGIE: Ano ba ang ibinebenta mo?
EUGENE: Papag.
35-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JUNIOR: Tatay, andaming lamok!
TATAY: Patayin mo ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
JUNIOR: Tatay, bumalik sila! May dalang flashlight!
36-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid.
Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!
37-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Linggo ng inutusan ng ama si johnny na bumili ng baboy sa palengke pero may problema.
Ama: itong pera pumunta ka sa palengke, bumili ka ng baboy 2 kelo!
Johnny: tay, hindi ko po alam kung ano at saan ang palengke!
Ama: ay itong batang to ang *****-*****, palengke lang hindi pa alam, pag may makita kang lugar na may
maraming tao, iyon na iyon!
Johnny: ok, punta na ako!
habang naglalakad, nakita ni johnny ang isang lugar na puno ng tao at pumasok siya, hindi niya alam na simbahan iyon, pumila siya sa mahabang pila at pagdating sa dulo.
Pari: Katawang ni KRISTO!
Johnny: 2 KELO!
38-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : imagine ur a millionaire. write ur lyf history..
(1 boy didn't write)
TEACHER : y r u not writing?
BOY : i'm waiting for my secretary
39-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahente kumatok at matapos pagbuksan ng may-ari ng bahay
ay biglang kinalat ang tae ng kabayo sa sahig sabay sabing:
KAKAININ KO ITO KAPAG HINDI ITO MALINISAN NG AKING
TINITINDANG VACUUM CLEANER SA LOOB NG ISANG MINUTO!
May-ari ng Bahay: KAINININ MO YAN LECHE KA! BROWN-OUT NGAYON!
40-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANAK: Itay, ano po sa English ang utot?
ITAY: Wind of Change.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na walang tunog?
ITAY: The Sound of Silence.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na may kasamang ebak?
ITAY: Dust in the Wind.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung hindi sinasadyang utot?
ITAY: Careless Whisper.
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na naipit?
ITAY: Please, Release Me!
ANAK: Eh ‘yung utot na sobrang bantot at nakakahilo?
ITAY: Killing Me Softly!
41-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At last, bye Philippines na tlaga! Im flying off this 3rd week of May Going to Paris. It ws a great surprise! Akala k madedeny ang mga papers ko. Sorry if I didnt tell you earlier. I promised kasi not to tell anyone, unlesss its confirmed. Thanks for all the memories. I will miss all of you!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
-SULAT na NAPULOT KO sa Daan. Grabe Kakainggit no?
42-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anak : Nay! másáráp pla ang dila?
Nanay : Bkit? Natikman mo na?
Anak : Di pa po, pero sbe sa kanta ng Kanto boys..
~
" DILAng másáráp, mali-Nam-nam-nam-nam-nam! " =))
43------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sa Ospital)
doc: nurse,nsan na ung sunud na pasyente?
nurse: pinauwi ko na po doc..
doc: oh bakit?
nurse: eh msama dw po pkiramdam eh.
44------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sa Max's restaurant...
Waiter: Ano po order nila, ma'am, sir?
Amo: Whole roasted chicken meal na lang. Ikaw Inday, ano order mo?
Inday: I would like to partake of a dish sauteed pork and chicken boiled in thick essence of soy sauce & veggies, like carrots, cauliflower, and baguio beans. Sprinkled generously with fine spices and spring onion, generously helping of rootcrop and rice!
Amo: Bigyan mo raw ng chopseuy 'tong abnormal na 'to! Bechinan mo ng marami nang mamatay na!
45------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Mahal na mahal kita. Handa akong ibuwis ang lahat ng meron ako para sayo. :">
.
.
.
.
.
.
Girl: SAMPLE! SAMPLE! SAMPLE! SAMPLE!
46------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: kaya kitang pasabihin ng I love you
Girl: Imposible
Boy: sabihin mo “blue”
Girl: blue
Boy: sabihin mo”love”
Girl: love
Boy: Sabihin mo “21”
Girl: 21
Boy: sabi ko sayo eh, mapapasabi kita ng 16, hehe
Girl: kala ko ba” I love you”?
Boy: I love you too!
47------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CRUSH!
.
.
.
.
.
.
yan ang taong
madaling TITIGAN
pero..
mahirap
LAPITAN!
48------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw umakyat ng bundok si BF kasama si GF...
BF: shit! mahuhulog na ko! tulungan mo ko!
...
(hinawakan ng GF ang kamay)
.........
GF: If you love someone, you should let him go..
BF: taaaannnnngggiiinnnaaaaaa mooooooo!!!
49------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatay: Bakit bagsak grades mo?
Anak: How can I pass if my teacher
hates me? ...Para lang yang LOVE,
kahit gaano ka kaseryoso, if
...ayaw sa iyo,
hindi ka papasa.
Tatay: Naks naman! Nagdrama
ang shunga! ****! mag-aral ka dyan ! may pa-love love pa nalalaman
50------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------